Monday, February 8, 2016

Addiction Comes in All Forms

Yesterday's sermon was what I needed to hear and God knew it.

Pastor is beginning a new series, "Addiction."

Psalm 63 King James Version (KJV)

63 O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is;

We are made to crave. We're in earthly, fleshy bodies that crave fleshy items, when our craving should only be focused to God.

One young man who plays in the band, bravely and humbly admitted after his song, that he'd been "too distracted" by trying to achieve the finer things in life. A better job, more money, ect. He admitted that being part of the church band "became more of a chore" to him. Shortly after the men's retreat, The Holy Spirit spoke to his heart and he realized how distracted he'd become. He realized that without putting is primary focus on the Lord, he'd NEVER be happy with anything he achieved and, in fact, might not achieve any of his fleshy desires at all. He cried and I cried with him. I've also been guilty lately of losing focus. Prayer has become a "chore" not a pleasure. My heart wasn't open, I was only chanting the words I always do without real consideration.

Pastor then began speaking about addictions and all their forms. While I don't harbor addictions such as smoking, drinking or gambling, I do have an addiction to negativity. One thing that I'm plagued with is a near constant doubt and self criticism. I question every twinge and torture myself with google searches. My anxiety grows and I know it's a cycle which is hard to break--now it's clear to me why. I'm addicted. I've seen it in others and I failed to recognize it in myself. I will trust You and focus on improving my spiritual self, rather than get caught up in my body and mind.

Thank you, Lord, for ensuring I'd hear this message and for opening my eyes. My focused is renewed and I instantly felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Be Still And Know That I Am God.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

A Healthy Trust

I'm really trying very hard to trust God, not my body, but it's incredibly difficult.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for strength, peace of mind and that I can accept His will.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

A Backlog of Memories

What compels me to form a list of memories? The people in and around them are gone, or were never present enough to recognize the moment they shared with me. Perhaps it's my desire to hold on. Discover clues and missing pieces swept under a metaphorical rug? Maybe it's trying to hold on...to something... though I'm not sure what.

What was that place in the basement? Some sort of social care agency, I think. Their were desks and kind faces. There was a cart with very worn toys and taped up puzzle boxes in the center. There was a ratty old teddy bear that I always looked for while you talked to the person at the desk. It comforted me. I hugged him and was gentle to him as he seemed to love me in return. He was familiar.

Once another woman looked kindly to me and asked if I'd like to have him.

I was already taught not to ask. Not to believe I was worthwhile or worthy of gifts. I was taught to decline politely and stand mute. No questions. Don't ask and never tell.

I was taken aback by her kindness and out of habit, training, said "No, thank you." I placed him down gently and made sure never to touch him again. Never to seem interested again, though she insisted it was perfectly already.

I stole glances at him after that. I did love him. Perhaps my first love lost.

Age 5 or 6.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Elijah Matthew
October 18 - November 30, 2015

EDD: July 24, 2016

It's been a very difficult year and I'm ashamed.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Welch's Simply Delicious Juice Review

We received a yummy free bottle of Welch's Simply Delicious Strawberry/Raspberry juice from BzzAgent for an honest review.

It was delicious! My husband and kids both loved it and so did I! It's got no high fructose corn syrup, which is very important to me since I have a corn allergy. It has a nice fresh flavor and we'll definitely be buying more. I passed along my $.75- coupons to friends and they'll be trying it too. The sandwich container is a great bonus--we use them every day for my daughter's lunch! I'm thrilled!

Thanks, Welch's!

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!!

Matthew 21:22 KJV
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

I've prayed for years that a loved one find his way to faith. He needs comfort, peace-of-mind, purpose and I knew in my heart God was his answer. He's always identified as atheist and seemed open to religion, but simultaneously criticized Christianity unlike any other sect.

He's going to church. A CHRISTIAN CHURCH. EVERY week!

I'm amazed. Simply amazed. GOD IS GREAT! HALLELUJAH!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

God Saved Me From Him.

I've written about this person before and after today, I'm more stunned by God's Grace toward me.

This person, whom I once loved and has been welcomed for 30 years into my family, has stolen narcotics from my Grandmother.

I feel as though I've aged 5 years in the past 8 hours. I can't adequately express the anger I feel.

It's a long story, but he showed up at my Grandmother's house, unannounced, after dark, when he hasn't seen or spoken to her in at least 8 years. He asked to use her bathroom. She thought it was strange, but obliged. He then talked to her about Percocet and asked for extras (Gram has chronic pain from dozens of spinal surgeries) and she specifically told him she can't give him any. She didn't tell any of us about the exchange, and he came back the next day. On this visit, he claimed to have lost his phone in her house and needed to look for it. What he must have realized the day before is that she doesn't keep her pills in the bathroom medicine cabinet, but she keeps them on her nightstand. When she excused herself to go to the bathroom, he took her pill bottle with 4.5 Percocet. She noticed they were gone within 30 minutes of him leaving. At that point, she called my aunt and mother, who searched her house. There's no doubt he took them. My Gram records her pill use very carefully. Update 10/28/15: He confessed.

This is a man who has called her "Grandma" for 30 years. He's now a man that stole, deceived a family that held him up for many years and left her in excruciating pain for 3 days until she could get a refill. She's now afraid of him and what he might do. We're afraid to leave her alone. No 86-year-old woman with high blood pressure and a myriad of other health problems should have to worry about this. The fact that he's someone my family has welcomed into our lives for 30 years, is horrifying. Somehow, it'd be easier if it had been a stranger.

I've prayed for wisdom and a calmness to wash over me. I pray that God guides us all with his divine will so we behave wisely going forward. I pray for everyone's safety, for Gram's peace-of-mind and that he gets the help that he needs and his wife and small children are spared.

God, guide us through this. God, thank you for leading my heart away from him all those years ago.